Feeling Fat & Afraid

I have to admit I feel fat. I know you are probably rolling your eyes……let me explain. Since my -1cc I’ve been able to basically eat the world and that is what I’ve been doing. I’m shocked at how little self control I have been able to tap into. I have not even stepped on the scale because I am afraid. Afraid!!!!!

Well enough is enough I have to exercise and listen to my body and not eat when it’s not hungry! This is proving really hard, but I feel extremely determined. I know this is a quick little post, I just wanted to keep you updated!

Late Night Eating

Late night eating has felt like it is controlling me lately. It might not be late night technically since I am talking about eating up until 9PM but seeing I go to bed around 9:30PM, it’s pretty late for me. I eat really well all day long and go home from work with a good amount of calories left for the day but after I eat dinner I just go on a food craze! I am not hungry after I eat dinner but I have this constant urge to eat one thing after another no matter how big or small. It doesn’t even matter if I am full I just want to put something in my face, and the band didn’t fix my head just the size of my stomach. Fixing my head is up to me I am truly starting to realize.

The whole time I have been banded I have let the band do the work. I have made sure that I am nice and tight so that I cannot eat things I shouldn’t or eat the amounts I want and I have not made any other significant changes. I do work out but nothing hardcore, really I do the bare minimum. I am especially worried now that I am not in the Green Zone that I will either not loose weight or gain if I continue this way. I feel like it is time to start using my head more like 60% of the time and my band 40% instead of it being the other way around. Actually right now I am probably using my band around 70% of the time and head 30% of the time.

I have a few ideas as to how to start this change and the first is to tackle the late night eating. Starting today my goal is to eat dinner at 6:30 and finish by 7:00 and have one snack after that but by 8:00 at the latest. I am just going to go to bed if I cannot control myself because I have no other choice I have to nip this bad habit. I am also focusing on my nutrition more, making sure I get more protein. Today is my second day without a Starbucks drink and man so I want one, but I keep telling myself I will be okay! I have to eliminate these very high calorie drinks because they are killing me.

If anyone has any pointers for how to control Head Hunger, please send them my way as I could use all the help I can get!  =)

Lots of Updates!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have a few things to cover in this post first is I went for an unfill today. The .1cc I got on Thursday we too much and I could drink a little but any solid food was just not going through. I tried to stick it out a couple of days thinking that maybe my hormones were playing tricks on me and it would get better but it did not. I had 7.8cc's in my band before the fill and the doctor I saw today said that the whole 7.8 probably was not in my band, some of it was probably stuck in the tubing. He went on to say that when the nurse practitioner took everything out and then inserted it again with the addition .1cc more of that probably made it to the band this time so it felt like way more than just a .1cc adjustment. This makes perfect sense to me because I was really really perplexed that .1 would make me feel so darn restricted.  The forced me to remove a whole cc, I begged them not to but they really want to so bummer I am at 6.9cc's now and can eat whatever pretty much.

This brings me to another thing I was to talk about in this post. For the past 2 years and 4 months I have not worked on my nutrition very much. I have basically ate what I have wanted but in moderation. I am actually not super update about being at 6.9cc now because I can focus on eater better and healthier. I need to cut out the chocolate (I've been addicted) and I need to scale down on the amount of Starbucks drinks I am getting as those are my two major drugs of choice lol. I seem to always have a fill debacle don't I?

On a good note...... I have accomplished 2 things at once!!! 1) I have lost 102lbs!!!! 2) I am in the NORMAL WEIGHT CATEGORY!!! Can you flippin' believe it?????  I mean to loose 100lbs is like the equivalent to a 10 year old I think, insane! When I got the surgery I thought I would loose 100lbs much faster than I did now I am really thrilled that it took me longer because I have really enjoyed the journey and it made it so much more satisfying to loose it slowly. I have not been in the normal weight category for my height and age since I was probably 6 or 7 years old which I don't remember obviously.

I look in the mirror and I definitely do not see a skinny person, I am not sure that I ever will but I'm not upset with what I see either I really like the way I look. I'm not sure I will ever see myself as skinny but I do feel bones on myself that I have never felt before and see them as well which is really cool. In my brain I know this definitely makes me a "skinny" person I guess but I have such body dis morphia that I just can't say that about myself.  Maybe someday I will see it!Finally being able to say I have lost 100lbs makes me feel hopeful for the first time that I can actually reach my goal!!!

 

 

Weigh In

Not much to say, just wanted to post a weight update!!! 1 more lb to 100 lost!! WOW!!!

Fill Update

Late yesterday I went to Lahey Clinic to see my favorite Nurse Practitioner to get a fill! It is always good to see her, she is the sweetest. The last time I saw her was in April and I really missed her! This is the longest I have ever gone without a fill. I ended up just getting .1cc put in though she said she would give me .2 if I wanted. In the past I have been to aggressive and have regretted it and needed unfills so the last time that happened I told myself that I would never get more than .1cc at a time from now on. I figured since I have another appointment next month anyway that if I really need another .1 than I will just get it then!

The last time I went to Lahey I was 175lbs which I didn’t realize, I thought I was more like 165. That means I’ve lost about 20lbs since April. It sure is harder to loose the smaller you get. Also though, for me the smaller I get the more comfortable I feel and I don’t work quite as hard to loose.

We talked a little about my goal weight of 138lbs which she thinks is just about right. When I reach 138 that will put me at a BMI of 22.96 (so 23) and 23 is the ideal BMI apparently, who knew. In my heart of hears 125lbs is still really my goal weight but when I think about it like a logical 24 yr old woman lol I know that it is probably not attainable for my build but hey a girl can dream lol. If I ever did hit 125lbs I am sure it is not a weight I could maintain for long term but it would be cool to see it on the scale once or twice! lol.

Thank you to everyone who supported me via facebook! You are amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I got an appt!

I’m so excited because I got a call back from my nurse practitioner and I am going this Thursday for a fill! Thank goodness!!

I get really concerned as this time of the year approaches. In the past the winter has consistently been a time of year when I don’t loose (with the band) or when I gain (before I had the band). Hence the reason I want this fill so badly. I’m super super hungry and I really want to loose this Holiday Season, wouldn’t that be nice!

Ideally I would like to hit my goal of 138lbs by the end of 2011 but it seems like every time I set a goal I don’t hit it lol so I almost didn’t even want to type that because if I said it then it might not happen!

On another note…… Many of you know I use to be a singer and when I was 18 I really stopped believing in myself and that is when I really started to pack on the lbs. Now that I have lost so much and am the smallest I have ever been I am starting to feel hopeful about music again. I am not really sure in what capacity yet I am going to start performing and pursuing music again but I am going to start! I created a facebook page for my music (there is not much on it yet) but seeing you all support me so much in my weight loss journey I was hoping you would support me in this avenue of my life as well! Here is the link to the page… www.facebook.com/breprimusic

You all rock!

Hungry!!!

I have a call out to my nurse practitioner to see if she can fit my in sometime this week for a fill because I need one badly! I’m not feeling really any restriction and I am so hungry all the time. I just keep going up down up down 3 or so lbs and it’s so frustrating!!

I’m trying to really suck down water because I know this is one thing I have not been doing enough of lately. Also, I am going to count weight watchers points this week just to try and do something different because I am getting bored with the same ole routine.

We are having an Indian summer here where I live, the weather is awesome!! It was almost 90 yesterday! Usually around this time of the year we are like in the 65-70ish range so this is a nice treat!! I went to Rockport MA this weekend. It is a really nice place on the water which cute little shops and nice places to eat, here is a pic of me there! It might be a little blurry as it was taken with a camera phone. 

I hope those of you who have a long weekend are enjoying it!!

Check out these blogs!

http://thinkitdoitliveit@blogspot.com

chiquitanotme.blogspot.com

petmyport.blogspot.com

Control

I know this is not earth shattering news or anything like that but......we have complete control over the things we choose to eat and not eat. Duh right? I seem to forget this all the time!!! Currently I have like no restriction and just because I can physically eat things I was not able to before, I am eating them. Not necessarily because I want to eat them, but because I can and after I eat them I always think "why did I eat that?" Sorry I am so complex. lol

Something clicked in my brain yesterday and gave me this epiphany and I just wanted to share it with you. I figured if I forget from time to time that I am in control than there must be some other people out there that forget as well. YOU ARE IN CONTROL! You control not only what you eat and don't eat but you control your exercise as well! Don't forget that, and if you do I am here for a reminder!!  =)

Thanks so much for all your very very kind comments on my previous post. It's funny I have a lot of people recently telling me how beautiful I am and although it makes me feel very nice, it doesn't click for me. Not that I think I am ugly but I don't think I see what other people see when I look in the mirror. I think once a fat girl, always a fat girl in my mind. I'm not sure if that is a bad thing either. Maybe in time that could change, we will see but for now I don't mind having a fat girl's mentality. =)